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~ in a fallen world

Living as a woman

Tag Archives: children

MEMORIES SPARKED

01 Monday Apr 2013

Posted by Vicki Kloosterhouse, PhD in Uncategorized

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

children, fathers, Marriage, mothers, out-of-wedlock birth

I had arrived at my classroom early and was writing information on the white board to prepare for class.  Two female students entered the college classroom, took their seats and began a discussion about one of their mutual friends.   The conversation went something like this.

Student 1:  “I heard that Amy (fictional name) is pregnant.”

Student 2:   “Yeah, she is but she is not going to marry the baby’s father.”

Student 1:  “Oh, I didn’t know that.”

Student 2:  “She doesn’t need the baby’s father anyway; her dad said she could live with him.  She can do it on her own.”

I am not quite for sure what possessed me because I pivoted around with an incredulous look on my face and said to the student, “Do you really believe what you just said?   If you do then I think you need to think about reality.   The likelihood of your friend living in poverty has just increased.   Statistically as a single mom she will not be able to complete her education and will struggle much of her adult life trying to raise a child while working at a low paying job.  I addition if your friend makes no effort to keep the biological father in the picture, more than likely her child will struggle the rest of his life wondering why his father abandoned him.”

Oh there was so much more that I wanted to say, but I stopped myself because they were looking at me like I was a mad woman.  Thank goodness it was toward the end of the semester and they knew that I usually was not so confrontational with students.

This scenario actually happened over 10 years ago; the vivid remembrance was sparked by the 2013 report, Knot Yet: The Benefits and Costs of Delayed Marriage in America, published by The National Marriage Project.

Knot Yet - The Benefits and Costs...nationalmarriageproject.org

Knot Yet – The Benefits and Costs…nationalmarriageproject.org

The report stated that though fewer teenagers are having children out of wedlock, there has been a substantial increase of unmarried moms in their twenties.  “By age 25, 44 percent of women have had a baby, while only 38 percent have married; by the time they turn 30, about two-thirds of American women have had a baby, typically out of wedlock. Overall, 48 percent of first births are to unmarried women, most of them in their twenties. (p. 3).”   The researchers found that the highest number of unmarried women in their twenties with children were high school graduates with only a year or two of college.  Women with a bachelor’s degree or higher were usually waiting to be married before having children.

Perhaps one of the key findings of the report was that young adults view  “marriage as a ‘capstone’ rather than a ‘cornerstone’ – that is something they do after they have all their ducks in a row, rather than a foundation for a launching into adulthood and parenthood (p. 4).”   The researchers point out that young people want to be married someday; they just don’t see any reason in marrying young.  Nor do most in this age range see marriage as a necessity in raising children.  Even if the couple is cohabitating when the woman gets pregnant, they still see no hurry in getting married – they can get married later.  The reality is that in a high number of cases the relationship with the baby’s father  doesn’t last.  The couple never get married, the man leaves, and the woman finds herself parenting on her own.

Even though the unmarried mother may be older, the repercussions remain the same.  Statistically the mother and child will have a greater chance of living in poverty, with the children having more behavioral problems, higher drug use, increased problems in school, are less likely to get a college education, and more likely to become single parents.

As I read through the report I kept thinking of the unintended consequences that these choices would have on the children and the single mother.  My thoughts drifted back to last fall when I taught human development at a Liberian university.

ANOTHER MEMORY

It was a busy week with my afternoons filled with students who came to my office to discuss their biopsychosocial papers they were writing for the human development course.  During the discussion of how each student’s family had influenced him/her biologically, psychologically, and socially a common theme began to unravel, especially with the young men.  As personal stories were shared, students talked about being raised by their mothers who had sacrificed so much to care for them.  But the stories inevitably included images of poverty, hunger, struggling to survive, and of the longing to know their biological fathers.  The students’ voices waivered with deep sorrow as they shared how being abandoned by their fathers had shaped their lives.

I wasn’t surprised to hear these stories because Liberia has the second highest rate in the world of teen-age pregnancy between 15-19 years old.   Obviously this has had a significant social and economic impact on Liberia with women and children bearing the brunt of this harsh reality.   Many of these young women live in squalid conditions; their children never know their fathers, and the father of their children move on impregnating other women.

As a woman it breaks my heart that we live in a world that negates the importance of both a mother and a father being involved in and taking responsibility for child rearing.  I know that life is not perfect and there are many single parents that are doing a fabulous job of raising their children, but I am sadden for them because parenting is hard and being a single parent makes it even harder.   As much as the single parent tries to keep it together, the parent and the child(ren) are at the risk of facing unintended consequences.

QUESTIONS RAISED

The purpose of this post is not to cast aspersion upon women in their twenties that are having children out of wedlock, but to raise questions:

What deceptions have we fed and continue to feed to young women and men that these are wise-choices for them, for their children to-be, and for society as a whole? 

How do we come along side these young women and children with hope and not condemnation? 

How do we teach about the importance of marriage and child rearing without preaching?  

How do we uplift without enabling? 

And from my Christian worldview: How do we help young adults view marriage as a sacred institute that God has ordained, which is one of the safest and most viable places to raise children and build a strong marriage and fulfilling life?

——————————————————————————————————-

Siem Reap 028_2

What is a Think Through?  it is an idiom that conveys the meaning of carefully considering possibilities and outcomes of a situation.

Today’s Think Through:  I would like to hear your thoughts and/or response to any of the questions I posted above or maybe you have another thought concerning this issue that you would like to address .

References:

Knot Yet: The Benefits and Costs of Delayed Marriage in America. (2013).  Retrieved March 2013 from National Marriage Project at University of Maryland: http://nationalmarriageproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/KnotYet-FinalForWeb.pdf

Harmful Practices affecting Girls in West Africa: Perspectives from Ghana, Liberia, and Sierra Leone. (2011 August). Retrieved 2012 8-March from UNICEF: http://www2.ohchr.org/english/bodies/cedaw/docs/cedaw_crc_contributions/DefenceforChildrenInternational.pdf

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An Interesting Dinner Conversation ~ Polygamy

01 Thursday Sep 2011

Posted by Vicki Kloosterhouse, PhD in Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

children, Christian, Polygamy, women

When I was in Kenya a pastor and his wife invited us over to their apartment for dinner.  They were well-educated people and his wife had received her Ph.D. from Wheaton College.  We had a wonderful meal and a great discussion.  He told me that he had grown up in a polygamous family.

I asked, “Well, when did you become a Christian?”

He replied with a question, “Are you assuming that you can’t be a Christian if you are a polygamous?”

I was surprised by the question and I responded, “Yes, I guess I am.”

The pastor then asked me two questions, “Where does it say that polygamy is wrong in the bible?  Are there any examples of polygamy in the bible? “

I responded,  “Yes, there are examples of polygamy in the Old Testament, but I believe that the New Testament does speak to believers having one wife.”

The pastor smiled and said that he also believed that the intent of the New Testament was one husband and one wife.

He continued challenging me, “What are we to do with Christians who are polygamist?”

If that question had been asked by a U.S. pastor, we would look at the pastor and wonder if he had gone off the deep-end, but it is a real and viable question that is facing the church in Africa.

What It Is Like for Women and Children

Many of my students have been raised in a polygamous family, and have shared the negative impact of such family dynamics.   According to my students, in a polygamous family there tends to be a favorite wife, which leads to jealousy and unequal distribution of family resources to this wife and her offspring.  When this happens, the other wives may be forced to forge for food and other resources for their children.

Women often have few choices ~ Sudan

Education, which is one of the most valued resources, tends to be given to the favorite wife’s children, especially the boys.   As you can imagine, this leads to animosity among the wives.  The women become manipulative because that is the only power they have to control their lives.

If the man decides he no longer wants one of the wives, she must leave, with the father having the option of keeping the children.   It was interesting to talk to a student who was still angry with his mother for leaving him, even though his mother had no choice.

In many places in Africa it is almost impossible for a woman to be able to survive on her own.  When a man divorces her or puts her out of his house, the woman often ends up living with or marrying another man, which in turn may mean that she will have to move away from her children.   In any event, whether the children live with the father or the mother, they become potential victims of abuse either from the stepmother or the mother’s boyfriend or their new stepfather.

No Easy Answers

As you can already tell, I am biased against polygamy because I think it is harmful to women and children.   It is just one more example of what can beset women who live in this fallen world.  Yet it is an issue that needs to be addressed by the Church in Africa, and there are no easy answers.  Some polygamous families may be drawn to the Christian faith, but turn there back upon it because they know the church may reject or try to split their family.  The Church may demand that the husband divorce all but his first wife and send the other wives away, even though the consequences of splitting up an intact polygamous family may have long lasting negative consequences for the women and children.

For an interesting and easy read on this topic go to http://taylorinafrica.org/Reports.htm and click on An African Perspective on Polygamy in the UMC North Katanga Annual Conference by Reverend Mbayu Ilunga Watete.

Be sure and read the Think Through and share your thoughts.  I want to hear what YOU are thinking.

P.S. By the time you read this I should be back in Liberia.  I will try to faithfully keep posting on the 1st and the 15th of each month.  However, sometimes the internet goes down.  So if you don’t hear from me, there has been an internet disruption.

Welcome

Welcome to Living as A Woman… Join me in focusing on issues that effect women. My perspective will be based on my Christian worldview, my reading, my travels, and my experience in teaching at an African university.

My hope is that this blog also gives a voice to you and other women around the world. So please respond and let's begin to have a dialogue about issues that effect women.

I look forward to your comments,
Vicki

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